Not the same okray

My first post in my new blogging home, yey! Just decided a fresh start might be a good change, although I did take most of my previous posts here too. Just like moving to a new house, we tend to take our oldest, most precious possessions with us, never mind if they might not match the new surroundings. Somehow, the sight of old trinkets, photos or whatever thing it might be, is a great reminder of where we came from, how far we’ve come and how big (or little?) we’ve changed. They made us who we are now.

I still named my blog For Okray Lovers.  I have actually been writing online since around 200o through our high school batch’s e-groups,  then later through Multiply. I remember one of my earlier posts got published in the online edition of Youngblood (I was shooting for the print version so I can frame it; now I can’t find a link to the e-version). I wrote about the challenges of being a teenage mom and coping with the drastic change in lifestyle and priorities.

My Multiply and Facebook accounts got compromised several times in 2008 until I was finally left at peace sometime in 2009. Guess getting out of a really bad relationship does wonders not only to my heart and mind but also to my social networking life! I’m not very techie and don’t know how to set up my own site (until now) so I just rely on free hosting sites like these and some helpful friends (Much love, Ranil!).

Bakit nga ba “For Okray Lovers?”

Okra is a vegetable, a vegetable I used to hate until my daughter came along and it would become the only vegetable she would eat in sinigang for a long time. But that’s not really the reason.

Okray is a very common gay term (we used this a lot during my college days, when most of my friends were gays and fag hags) meaning to belittle or criticize. It may also mean: tsugihin, ligwakin, tigbakin. Negative connotation and when I did start blogging then, a lot of my posts were full of ranting, whining, green-eyed-monster gabbing, sarcasm and poking fun at others. When I read some of my older posts, I would just shake my head and laugh at my pettiness and nega-star attitude.

I didn’t retain blog title because I want to continue with that attitude. I’m not saying I’ve turned holier-than-thou and don’t slip up every now and then; I do and I’m sorry for that. But I realized that I’ve been such a bitch before (yeah there I said it) that much of my negativity was because I was insecure, afraid or just plain close-minded.

A lot of the stuff I used to make fun of I actually like or enjoy now, like staying home instead of ending an all-night-partying throwing up in some bar, praying, eating out or mag-gala ng mag-isa or reading the Bible. Many things I never thought I’d do, I did. The bad things I regret ended up teaching me a whole lot of life lessons; those that turned out to be good, I tuck in my little treasure box of great memories.

I’m not at my best yet. God is not yet finished with me. But I am amazed at how He has put a lot of work and effort and love on me so far, and I’m excited what more He can do.

Yesterday, He has answered a long-whispered prayer, and gave me a reason to stay and fight. He gave me new purpose at work and rekindled that fire again. He made my managers and peers trust me and what a balm that is to my bruised confidence.

Funny thing is, I actually have a different verse for my devo yesterday morning. But for some reason, when I opened my bible, I was drawn to this verse:

“Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret…” ~Psalm 37:7

The Cost of Free Will

“How do you make someone love you without affecting free will?”

This was Bruce’s (Jim Carrey) question to God (Morgan Freeman).

And God replied, “Heh, welcome to my world, son.”

I caught Bruce Almighty couple nights ago while ironing my daughter’s school uniforms. I’ve watched this before and although it might seems offensive, even blasphemous to some, Bruce was an apt depiction of how most of us perceive God, whether in the past or even up to now.

Bruce asked God this question when his girlfriend Grace (Jennifer Aniston) dumps him after playing God has gone into his head. Frustrated, he realizes that there is more to God than just parting a red sea of tomato soup or making his dog pee in the toilet like a human. 

Freeman’s character’s reply made me go, oo nga no? God created the heavens and earth and humans; he can do everything. He can even make us all subservient, robotic servants if He wanted to. I mean, HE IS GOD. But despite all these, God still gave us FREE WILL. He gave us the freedom to choose whether we would love or follow Him. We disobeyed him and lived sinful lives that His Son had to die the lowest form of death at that time – on the cross – to purchase our salvation. Wow, free will surely ain’t free, right? 

Free will, huh? In the movie, Bruce reflected how most of us live:  we want to play God in our lives. God gave Bruce His powers to prove that He’s doing His work right. Aren’t we like Bruce sometimes? When struck with misfortunes and struggles, don’t we berate God for “not doing His job?” We want to do things our way, succeed on our own capabilities for our own glory. We resent God when His will for us contradicts what we want for our own lives. 

When I invite friends to church or try to share with them, I usually get a refusal with a somewhat apologetic smile. “Saka na ko lalapit kay God pag ready na ko. Aayusin ko muna buhay ko.” I used to say this too. Masyado pa kong madaming atraso kay God, nakakahiya naman lumapit, was what I reasoned. In fact, there was a time I was really angry with God, and I thought, why would He listen to me if He knows I was mad at Him and what He’s doing to my loved ones? 

But He found a way to chase me relentlessly until He finally caught up with me.  I came to know Him more and forged a relationship with Him and realized, when we are down and broken and fearful and shamed, that’s the best time to go to Him. The Bible has so many verses depicting God’s favor for the weak and the broken hearted. Here are some of the promises we can hold on to:

“The way of the Lord is a stronghold to the blameless.” -Proverbs 10:29

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit.” – Proverbs 34:18

“But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.'” – Matthew 14:27

It doesn’t matter what your past is or where you are at in your life right now. If you are genuinely repentant and want to know God, He will be there for you.

“For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, it will be opened.” -Luke 11:10

One of my first and favorite verses was God’s first Word to me when I started walking with Him: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” -James 4:8

My favorite scene in the movie was when Bruce breaks down upon seeing Grace praying so hard for him and her heart. He cried in the middle of the street, “You win. I’m done. Please, I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna be God! I want You to decide what’s right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!” Then he gets slammed in the face by a ten-wheeler.

My prayer us we all have this I-surrender-to-Your-will moment in our lives. Question is, are we going to wait until we get hit by a truck before we do it?

# 28. "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:8)

Written February 26, 2012. This is actually part of a longer piece, “29 Before 30” a kind of bucket list I started earlier this year and will post once completed (if I ever get around to doing everything in it!), hence the title.


I attended a service at an office mate’s church, frankly, at first, out of curiosity. I was piqued at this person’s positivity and utmost trust and faith in the Lord. I mean, I know God; I’m not an atheist, but I never thought I would see and know Him in a different way that day. It was the first time I would visit a church other than a Catholic one. We’ve never been an overly religious family, so I guess I grew up thinking that while I am aware that God exists and Jesus Christ is His Son, I have always regarded them as just Someone I see or hear about on Sundays. I went to church because it was expected, or only because I had something to pray for or needed or because an occasion calls for it. I guess I’ve never had what you call a personal relationship with the Lord.

When I came in the worship tent, I noticed just a simple cross below SBCC’s emblem and an open Bible. There was a bandstand on the right and an OVH projector screen on the left. When the service started, I was taken aback by the loud and fast music and everyone was heartily clapping and raising their hands; some were almost dancing. The song leader was belting out the song like those gospel singers I see in movies, eyes closed and hand raised in worship. Concert ba to? I was used to the solemn songs and apathetic singing of parishioners.

Then the Pastor came on stage to speak. He was dressed casually, spoke candidly and kept the audience enraptured with the Word, emphasizing his points with “Amen?” and the crowd would enthusiastically answer back. One of the verse that day was from Hebrews 10:19-22:

“Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.” 

I don’t need any “middle man” or good deeds or false idols to get me to heaven; it is only through complete faith in Jesus and what He had done on the cross, that I can have “direct access” to God our Father.

Today, I came expecting to be a mere spectator. The first few questions I answered were guarded: I felt as if I was being quizzed on being a good or bad believer. But then their sincerity and genuine concern to connect with me and help me understand pricked something in me. I didn’t realize that by keeping an open mind to the faith of others, it would open doors I thought I had already closed or would never dare enter again. Or that if I went even with a hardened heart, Jesus would find a way to touch and open it. And He did. He just spoke to me that day. It all starts with the first and best step.